Is Attachment Parenting For You?

by Mary Jessica Hammes
June 21, 2012

A child has a need and a parent responds. It’s a fundamental component of parenting. One way to ensure prompt recognition and response is Attachment Parenting (AP)—the controversial parenting method that was featured in TIME magazine’s (in)famous cover story; kerfuffle, actress/neuroscientist Mayim Bialik’s new book; and singer Alanis Morissette’s public conversation.

Real-life moms and dads who practice AP view extended breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping as normal everyday activities. A common thread in news stories about AP always end with an indignant response from individuals who feel AP parents are ruining their children’s lives, followed by a claim from AP parents that the stories are inaccurate.

Who’s right? What is Attachment Parenting, exactly? Do AP parents never let their children cry? Never leave their children with a child care provider? Breastfeed and co-sleep for years except on rare occasions? Is AP a rigid protocol that often makes already stressed-out moms feel inadequate and kids feel entitled?

What follows is a discussion of AP. What it is and isn’t, according to parents who have been there, done that. Despite their different backgrounds, these parents voice similar reasons for choosing AP, including their appreciation of scientific research bolstering the AP philosophy, and the fact that being close to your children is the opposite of smothering them. On the contrary, it’s because of that consistent nurturing, they believe, that children grow up to be independent and responsible adults.

What is Attachment Parenting (AP)?
Attachment Parenting is often misunderstood. Simply stated, Attachment Parenting is a strategy for raising strong and secure children by responding to their needs, nurturing parent-child connections, and modeling appropriate behavior.

“AP is not a list of rules to follow,” says Deanna Spangler, an Attachment Parenting International leader, La Leche League leader, and mother of three girls ages 7, 5, and 2. “It’s not a program. It’s a state of being with your family and children.”

“I have found many parents use aspects of Attachment Parenting without even knowing that it’s Attachment Parenting. Or they use it under the name of another type of similar parenting, such as ‘gentle parenting’ or ‘respectful parenting,’” says Jenni Ascher, medical transcriptionist and a mother of two, ages 5 and 15 months.

Looking back to how I cared for my newborn (now 5 years old), I see clearly that my husband and I were influenced by AP. Even though we’d never done a scrap of research on it, our instinctual parenting style aligned well with AP principles.

The term “attachment parenting” was coined by pediatrician William Sears. Although critics often call it a fad (one Wall Street Journal reporter called it a “two-decade old concept”), this parenting philosophy is not new. Breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping date back to antiquity, and have been practiced continuously in many parts of the world that have never heard of the term “Attachment Parenting.” Child development researchers have been studying attachment theory for the last 60 years and it is their research that has largely formed the modern version of AP as espoused by Attachment Parenting International (API).

API identifies Eight Principles of Parenting:

1. Prepare for pregnancy, birth, and parenting. The more knowledge expectant parents have on birth and child development, the better equipped they can be to understand the needs of their baby.
2. Feed with love and respect. Breastfeeding is encouraged. Although bottle-feeding parents can also practice Attachment Parenting, API encourages bottle-feeding mothers to mimic the closeness of breastfeeding as much as possible.
3. Respond with sensitivity. Attachment Parenting parents tune into their baby’s needs and respond to them quickly. Frequent interactions help develop this awareness.
4. Use nurturing touch. Babies thrive on caring touch. Babywearing and massage are ways of maintaining a close physical connection.
5. Ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally. Babies have needs 24/7, and as much as parents might look forward to their baby “sleeping through the night,” the reality is that parents need to be available to their baby during the night. This might mean co-sleeping (sleeping in close proximity) or safe bedsharing. (Read about the difference and get tips here.)
6. Provide consistent and loving care. The ideal caregiver for a baby is a parent. For working parents, API encourages parents to find a trusted caregiver who will provide the closeness and interactions babies need.
7. Practice positive discipline. Positive discipline refers to using methods like distraction and substitution to guide children toward desired behaviors.
8. Strive for balance in your personal and family life. Attachment Parenting does not require a parent to abandon his or her own needs. It’s a matter of striking a balance between meeting your own needs without abandoning the needs of your child.

So, what do these principals look like in real life?