Crying is one of the many ways your baby lets you know that he is sleepy, hungry, sick, scared, bored, wet, dirty, or lonely. Babies can talk (but parents have to learn their language); in the absence of words, they use other signs (cues) to tell you what they need. Some cues are more subtle than others. So when squirming, sighing, or sucking goes unnoticed, babies resort to crying. Little by little you will learn your baby’s cues—what each one means—and you will be able to anticipate your baby’s needs before he starts to cry.

When babies do cry, most parents don’t hesitate to pick them up. But some parents worry that if they respond right away, their baby will become dependent and clingy, when in fact, the opposite is true. Studies show that you build a stronger bond and establish trust by responding to your baby’s cries during the day and at night. Knowing that his needs will be met is the first step toward becoming a secure and independent child.

According to Dr. William Sears, author of The Baby Book and a pioneer in Attachment Parenting, the spoiling theory began in the 1920s when experts believed that holding a baby a lot, feeding on cue, and responding to cries would make a child dependent. But there was no scientific basis for the theory and, in fact, numerous studies have proven it wrong. For example, researchers at John Hopkins University found that mothers who responded right away to their babies’ cries during the first few months had babies that cried less often and for shorter periods of time at 1 year of age, compared to babies of mothers who delayed responding or sometimes ignored the crying altogether.

Sometimes the cause of the crying is obvious (a wet or dirty diaper), but more often it’s a mystery parents need to solve. The hard part (especially in the early weeks) is finding a solution. Fortunately, babies like repetitive noises and movements such as singing or rocking. If your baby doesn’t calm down after a short time, don’t panic. It takes some babies longer than others to relax. If the crying continues and you feel like you are losing control, ask someone you trust to care for your baby or put your baby in a safe place (such as a crib or play yard) and take a short break.

It’s important for parents to remember that babies don’t know how to annoy, frustrate, or manipulate. These concepts are beyond your baby’s ability. Just as sucking on fingers or fists is a sign of hunger that shouldn’t be ignored, crying is a sign of distress that needs immediate attention.