by Michelle Vermillion Lawrence
June 16, 2011

Every family with more than one child experiences it. It shows up as a tug-of-war over a favorite book or a chorus of who-can-scream-louder-for-mom’s attention. It’s called sibling rivalry. And one of the underlying factors that influence sibling conflict is the child’s order of birth in his family.

Alfred Adler (1870–1937), an Austrian psychiatrist, first introduced the theory that birth order can influence a child’s personality. Adler defined sibling rivalry as the competition between brothers and sisters for their parent’s approval. In his writings, Adler comments on his feelings of jealousy and frustration after the birth of his sibling. He refers to this as being ‘dethroned’.

According to the Child Development Institute, a child’s birth order can impact how he sees himself. Although theories about birth order and its effects on a child’s personality are mixed, being aware of personality traits associated with birth level may help parents better understand why children battle with one another for parental attention and approval. Generally speaking:

First born. These are the children who most often display leadership qualities. They are responsible having been enlisted to help with their siblings. They also tend to have a perfectionist nature. First-born children had their parents’ undivided attention. Realizing that their parent’s affection will now be shared with a newcomer can be traumatic for a first-born child. These children tend to be affected by a new sibling more significantly than their younger siblings. Don’t be surprised if your first born displays animosity, jealousy, or indifference toward your second child. Pinching, hitting, yelling, or ignoring are common responses when a new sibling joins the family. Early preparation is key.  Talk about how the family environment will change and reinforce your love for your first born.

Second child. Competitive with the eldest child, the second child generally tends to be an independent thinker and somewhat rebellious. Continually striving for his parent’s affection, the second child can often perform well academically and athletically. A second child may display traits different from your first born. Keenly aware of what his older sibling lacks in terms of winning parental affection, the second child strives to refine his older siblings’ weaknesses in order to outshine him. Reminding second-born children that they are loved for their unique qualities and traits is one strategy for lessening competition. 

Middle child. The middle child often needs to be reminded of the unique position she is in: she has both an older sibling and a younger sibling. Because of this, the middle child often feels she has no place in the family and perceives the older or younger sibling as the preferred child. Middle child often feel lost or have low self-esteem. Encourage your middle child to make decisions reflective of who she is rather than being influenced by her siblings.

Youngest child. The youngest child feels that everyone is more capable than he. A youngest child usually knows how to get what he wants and sometimes places others in service to him. The youngest child sometimes exhibits traits of an only child, acting self-centered or spoiled. Parents should encourage a ‘can do’ attitude in the youngest child by doling out age-appropriate responsibilities.

Pitfalls of sibling rivalry
Given the many personality traits that accompany each birth order and the ongoing competition for parental affection, disagreements are apt to arise between siblings. When the battles occur day in and day out, they take their toll. Older children can fall prey to the emotional stress that sibling conflict creates. In toddlers, new siblings can elicit feeling of happiness, isolation, jealousy, confusion, and frustration. Toddlers commonly regress in certain areas with the introduction of a new family member—an attempt to ‘win back’ the full attention of their parents.

Common regressive behaviors:
A desire to return to breastfeeding. While some might view a toddler’s return to the breast as a normal behavior, it can be considered regressive if the child was previously weaned. When your child asks to resume breastfeeding, what he’s really craving is the physical intimacy he once had with you—intimacy he now sees you sharing with his sibling. By setting aside one-on-one time with your child—reading a book together, rocking your child in your lap, or simply holding hands while taking a walk are all ways to recreate that closeness that he’s missing.

Baby talk. Striving for attention, baby talk is your child’s way of saying, “Hey, look at me! I’m here! I still need to be nurtured too!” Recognize your tendency to talk cutesy to your new family member in front of his siblings. A gentle reminder to use his ‘big boy’ voice and of the benefits of being a ‘big boy’ can help discourage baby talk.

Thumb or pacifier sucking. Children learn at an early age that thumb or pacifier sucking is a means of “survival.” It helps manage frustration, illness, and distress. Teaching your child coping skills and offering comfort and reassurance can often reduce thumb or pacifier sucking.

Potty training. A child who is potty trained may start to have “accidents” as a means of expressing his need for nurturing, cuddling, and caretaking he sees his new sibling garnering. Patience is key to ensuring your toddler’s return to the potty. Once he understands that he is loved and valued for who he is at every age, potty use should resume.

Assigning labels
Parenthood is a journey. As your ability to predict your child’s response in any given situation grows, so too will your confidence in your ability to parent. Along with this predictive quality, comes the tendency to label: “He’s the brainy one.” “She’s the athletic one.” “He’s passive.” “She’s aggressive.” Too often the labels assigned to children become debilitating, causing then to underachieve in areas where they lack confidence.

Children sometimes assign traits to themselves, “I’m just not good at sports!” “I stink at math!” As parents and caregivers, your role is to help your children reach their potential—large, small, or somewhere in between. “This is your chance to learn a new skill. Throw me the ball!” “Math can be tough. Let’s work on it together.”

A “clumsy” 7-year-old can blossom into a star pitcher at age 12. And a “numbers challenged” 10-year-old can be a future engineer. Never limit a child’s future with perceived or assigned traits. Instead give your child the opportunity to show you what he can do.

Benefits of sibling rivalry
Before you dismiss sibling rivalry as all bad, know that benefits lurk beneath the brawls. Sibling conflict teaches children:

Negotiation skills. Conflicts among siblings give children a chance to present their case. By verbally communicating their side of the story, they learn to negotiate.

Conflict resolution. With conflict comes resolution, whether self-induced or parentally guided. Conflicts end and life goes on… or at least until the next eruption!

Friendship skills. Despite any sibling conflict, studies show that children with one or more siblings tend to get along better with their classmates than do only children.

Coping with sibling rivalry
I recall a pivotal point in our family. Our daughter was only a few days old. My husband was sitting next to me on the couch while I was breastfeeding my daughter. Our son, barely more than a babe himself, looked up from the floor. With trepidation in his eyes and hesitation in his voice he asked, “Where can I sit?” I smiled brightly, “Right here buddy, between mom and dad, there’s plenty of room!” The expression of elation and relief that glowed from his face touched my heart. Of course, there have been many moments since, where the results were less than touching, but we always make it clear that our love for him is steadfast.

Strategies that may help pave the road to sibling acceptance include:
1. Ask for your child’s help. First-born children tend to be conscientious, assertive, cooperative, and nurturing. These are terrific skills for eliciting help, whether it be fetching a clean diaper, holding a book, or retrieving a ball. Be careful though, placing too much responsibility on an older child can foster feelings of resentment. Ask for your child’s help, but don’t get upset if he refuses.

2. Minimize the guilt and shame. Dealing with quibbling among siblings is a part of parenting. It is also part of your child’s growing up. One of the many benefits of having a brother or sister is it gives your child to manage his emotions. Shaming or inducing guilt because a child may be jealous, frustrated, or confused with his sibling exacerbates the rivalry. Feelings are not wrong! How your child expresses those feelings is what requires parental monitoring.

3. Teach that feelings and actions are separate. A common statement of toddlers is “She made me do it!” As a caretaker, your responsibility is to teach that feelings are separate from actions. “Your sister may make you mad and I understand you are frustrated, but hitting her is not an option. Let’s talk about some ways to express your frustration.”

4. Emphasize the good behavior. As busy parents it is easy to intervene when things go awry. Yelling, bickering, tears, and physical altercations prompt our intervention and usually require reprimands. Children also need to hear what they are doing right. Signs of helping, nurturing, and cooperation should be brought to your child’s attention as validation of his ability to get along.

5. Set aside time to spend with each child. Creating one-on-one child/parent time nurtures each child’s feelings of uniqueness and importance. Make sure there is time set aside each day for each child. This doesn’t require a special outing (though whenever you can schedule a one-on-one trip to the playground, the zoo, the bookstore, you should!). This one-on-one time can be as simple as reading a book, drawing a picture, or tossing a ball outside.

Keep in mind that birth order alone does not determine siblings’ interaction or a child’s destiny. Children grow, personalities change, and so do relationships. The road to sibling harmony is a long one, celebrate the milestones and seek support during the rough spots. But most of all, enjoy the journey!

Michelle Vermillion Lawrence is a freelance writer and therapist. She has a Masters in Counseling Psychology and many years of clinical experience working with children and parents. Her husband and two children guide her in the daily adventures of family life.