by Melissa Clark Vickers
January 30, 2011

They are what put the “terrible” in “terrible twos”—although perhaps that’s giving 2-year-olds a bad rap. Temper tantrums are, in a sense, a result of normal development, and with a little understanding, a lot of patience, and a few preventive steps, terrible twos don’t have to be so terrible after all. And while tantrums are most associated with 2-year-olds, they don’t necessary begin on a child’s second birthday or magically end by the time he turns 3. Older children (and even adults) have temper tantrums. Parents can watch for triggers and learn tricks that can ward off tantrums and help their children learn constructive ways to handle anger and frustration.

The start of temper tantrums
More often than not, temper tantrums are born out of frustration. A toddler doesn’t have the emotional experience to react to frustration appropriately, and so it often turns into a loud display of anger and an emotional meltdown: the temper tantrum. The first step in preventing temper tantrums requires developing an understanding of normal child development. According to pediatrician Dr. Alan Greene, the age of temper tantrums begins when a toddler is old enough to realize that there are many choices to be made—and to be frustrated by his lack of power over those choices. Typically, this happens around 2 years of age, hence the cliché.

A 2-year-old child is growing fast. He’s talking and finding new ways to explore his world. The only part of him that isn’t keeping up with all these developmental changes is his ability to understand and cope with limits of safety and appropriate behavior. How frustrating to be able to see what you want to do and then be restrained from doing it! Two-year-olds are also masters at testing limits. How far can he run? How high can he climb? He’s learning about his environment, learning about the laws of physics, and he’s learning the house and family rules. Testing limits is not necessarily a bad thing, although it does require patience and vigilance on the part of parents and caregivers. How the adults around him react to frustration and anger are helping to shape how he will react.

Temper tantrum triggers
What can turn a smiling, happy toddler into a screaming, kicking fireball of emotion? According to pediatrician Dr. William Sears, there are two types of tantrums: manipulative tantrums and frustration tantrums. Manipulative tantrums are the classic battle of wills—“If I don’t get what I want, I’m going to scream and kick until I do!” Frustration tantrums arise out of the developmental disconnect between what the child wants to do but can’t. For example, he wants to build a tall tower with his blocks and for whatever reason, his efforts to achieve it are thwarted. Because he is too emotionally immature to deal with the frustration and disappointment, his reaction is to meltdown.

Some children seem more prone to tantrums than others, although certain situations are likely to trigger a meltdown. Dr. Sears lists these as the most common triggers:

• Fatigue—We know as adults we cope better when we are well-rested. Is it any surprise that this is the case for children?

• Hunger—Toddlers, known for their “grazing” on small snacks all day, burn a lot of energy. When the energy reserves drop, so does their ability to handle frustration.

• Boredom—Keep a small child confined in one place for too long—especially if Mom or Dad is busy with “adult” tasks—and an outburst is more likely to happen.

• Overstimulation—Too much going on around a toddler can be just as upsetting.

• Illness—A tantrum in a child who ordinarily is on a pretty even keel can be an early sign of a cold or ear infection or some other illness.

Looking at this list, it isn’t hard to understand why these are the major triggers for tantrums. Adults—at least most of us—have the advantage of knowing how to find more constructive outlets for frustration (from fatigue, hunger, boredom, etc.) than kicking and screaming.

Preventing temper tantrums
Understanding the triggers can help parents prevent a full-blown temper tantrum. It’s really a two-prong approach: short-term planning and long-term practice.

Short-term planning tips & techniques
Dr. Sears recommends keeping a “tantrum diary” in which you record what triggers a meltdown for your child, what you did to calm him, and whether that strategy worked.

1. Build variety into your toddler’s day—periods of physical activity to help him burn off excess energy and quiet times (including naps!) to help him recoup some energy for the next round.

2. Carefully supervise your toddler at play. Just as you learned to recognize early hunger signs when he was an infant, you can now recognize signs that frustration is starting to build. Distraction and switching to a new activity can head a tantrum off before it starts.

3. Plan outings carefully. If you plan to take your toddler on a shopping trip, make a list of all the stops you need to make—and then cut that list in half! While it might be efficient in terms of time and miles for an adult to make many stops on one trip, it can spell disaster for a toddler who is getting progressively more fatigued.

4. Time your outings carefully. When is your toddler the easiest to get along with? Chances are it is after he’s eaten breakfast, or perhaps after his nap. Dr. Sears suggests that mornings are typically best for toddler outings. Taking a toddler out when he is tired or hungry is a recipe for disaster.

5. Plan for hunger! Bring along a healthy snack and offer it before your toddler is ravenous. If your toddler is still nursing, find a quiet place for a nursing break.

6. Try to fit in something fun along the way—maybe a stop at a local park for a ride on a swing. You’ll both appreciate the break!

Long-term practice tips & techniques
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends building confidence and security to help your child be more independent and well-behaved. This is an ongoing effort and not one to be started mid-tantrum.

1. Try to create as many “yes” opportunities as you can for your toddler. For some toddlers, the word “no” is a light switch for a brewing tantrum. If you create a safe play environment for your child with few areas that are off limits, then you can save “No!” for those non-negotiable times.

2. Provide lots of opportunities for your toddler to practice new skills safely. This can include physical activities like running or jumping or throwing a ball, but it can also include social skills such as sharing toys, taking turns, and other cooperative play.

3. Praise your toddler’s efforts. Let him know he’s behaving appropriately or that he’s done a good job. This will help him build self-confidence, and that may lessen the frequency of tantrums.

4. Be a role model. Let your toddler see how you handle frustration. Talk about your emotions—help him learn the language of emotions. “I’m so excited that Grandma will be here soon!” “I can see that you are sad that Johnny has to leave now.”

Dealing with a temper tantrum
No matter how well you plan ahead, you may find yourself in the middle of the grocery store aisle with a toddler in a full-blown temper tantrum. Some children, by their very nature, are more prone to tantrums than others, but even the calmest toddler can dissolve into a tantrum at one time or another. Now what?

• Take a deep breath! If you stay calm, not only will this help to keep the tantrum from escalating, you’ll be able to think more clearly.

• Don’t worry about what onlookers are thinking. Those who are parents are commiserating, and those who are not are probably clueless!

• Keep your child safe. You may need to hold him to keep him from hurting himself or others. By holding him, you’ll provide comforting limits, and you can let your toddler know everything’s okay.

• Change the scenery! Sometimes, the best course of action is to pick up your screaming child and walk away. Go outside or to the car or move to another room. Give your toddler a few minutes to calm down and then you can decide what to do next.

• Don’t give in. Giving him what he wants might stop the tantrum this time, but only sets up a power play for the next time. Try distracting him with another activity or focus. This is especially important for those manipulative tantrums.

• Avoid spanking your child. Punishment—especially spanking—is not likely to stop a tantrum or prevent another one in the future. The AAP strongly opposes spanking and a recent study in Pediatrics found that children who are spanked frequently at age 3 are more likely to be aggressive at age 5. The fact is, toddlers don’t understand the difference between spanking and hitting and it doesn’t allow them to develop a sense of right versus wrong.

• Once your child—and you—have calmed down, talk to him about what happened. “You were really upset and angry because we had to leave the park today. I wish we could have stayed longer, too.”

As with many of life’s frustrations, your mantra for temper tantrums should be, “This, too, shall pass.” The tantrum will subside, your child will calm down, and eventually he will grow out of this stage. Toddlers need to learn how to react to frustration and disappointment, and part of that learning will come in its own good time as your child matures. Temper tantrums are usually (but not always) a thing of the past by the time a toddler is 3 years old. And whether your toddler is one of those prone to frequent tantrums or one who rarely has one, he’ll still grow up to be a caring, rational adult.

Melissa Clark Vickers is a west Tennessee IBCLC, and child and family health editor. She is mom to Dan and Merrilee, and mom-in-law to Sunny and Alex.