by Mary Jessica Hammes
December 21, 2009

Hardly a month goes by without one or more individuals sharing their views on breastfeeding.

“I’m well into my 6th week of exclusive breastfeeding and I like it more than I thought I would,” writes Claire Bidwell Smith in a recent Huffington Post article. I like the bond it creates between me and my daughter, and I like the idea that I am able to provide nourishment from my own body. What I don’t like is how constant it is, how time-consuming it is, and I don’t like the divide it has created between me and my husband when it comes to our care-giving responsibilities.”

What makes Smith’s statement appealing is its frankness. Any woman who has breastfed knows that breastfeeding has it all—the good, the bad, and even the ugly. What frustrates expectant and new mothers is the extent to which breastfeeding advocates (health professionals and parents alike) emphasize the good, downplay the bad, and ignore the ugly. Throw in conflicting messages predicated on ignorance (breastfeeding is notably absent in educational curricula from kindergarten through medical school), and it’s easy to see why breastfeeding is such an emotional issue. The credo that “breastfeeding is best” has only amplified the emotional divide, suggesting that mothers who bottle-feed (whether by choice or out of necessity) are not good mothers.

Clearly, mixed messages are a source of frustration for parents. On one hand we have nurses and lactation consultants telling mothers that breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt if “you’re doing everything right;” on the other hand we have 75 percent of mothers reporting that breastfeeding is painful.

The mother of four, grandmother of six hears the “breast is best” message and feels defensive about her decision to bottle-feed her children, so she tells her pregnant daughter, “Formula was good enough for you.”

The lactation consultant believes she is being helpful when she tells a new mom struggling with latch, “Anyone can breastfeed if they really want to.” And when that mother is unable to breastfeed despite every effort the lactation consultant is quickly labeled a “breastfeeding Nazi.”

Doctors and nurses describe breastfeeding as “completely natural” but mothers report that it’s “the hardest thing I ever tried to do”? Hospital staff tell new mothers that “every mother can breastfeed” then give out bottles of formula “just in case.”

Society plays a role in the deception as well, describing breastfed babies as portable and breastfeeding as something you can do “anywhere, anytime, anyplace”. Yet mothers bold enough to breastfeed in public often incur dirty looks—or fear being harassed by a security guard at a shopping mall.

The shame of not breastfeeding
When you aren’t breastfeeding, “You think people are judging you,” says Joanna Soto Carabello, a freelance book editor and mother of two in Athens, Georgia. “I remember intentionally hiding the cans of formula in my Target cart. I thought people would look at me and go, ‘You should know better.’”

Joanna knew the benefits of breast milk, but despite her best efforts she was unable to breastfeed. Her failure only made the pro-breastfeeding messages seem heavy-handed at best, painful at worst.

Before Joanna started hiding formula in her shopping cart, she knew that there was a chance she might not be able to breastfeed due to an earlier breast reduction surgery. She took breastfeeding classes anyway, and planned to do her best.

No lactation consultant visited Joanna in the hospital when Adam, now 6, was born. She tried nursing anyway, but at Adam’s first pediatrician appointment, the doctor recommended formula or hospitalization. Adam was severely dehydrated.

“When I gave him his first bottle, and it was heartbreaking to do it, he sucked it down like there was no tomorrow,” Joanna says. “He was so happy and contented. I was so happy that he didn’t have to go to the hospital, but I was devastated. I cried and cried. I wanted it (breastfeeding) so bad… the fact that my body wouldn’t do it felt like a betrayal.”

Joanna felt robbed, like she had no distinct parenting role to play, even though she was the mother. Anyone could feed her son formula, she thought.

When she became pregnant with Vivian, now 2, Joanna was determined to make breastfeeding work. She researched strategies for breastfeeding after reduction strategy. After Vivian was born, Joanna read more books, joined chat rooms and took herbs (the fenugreek made her smell like a waffle). She attended a breastfeeding support group at the hospital, used a supplementing system while breastfeeding, and pumped constantly.

“I was a lactating cyborg,” she says.

For two weeks, she had something constantly connected to her breasts. Her lactation consultant told her that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. That turned out to be a freeing moment. Once she stopped trying to breastfeed, she could simply enjoy being with her baby.

But she still feels pangs here and there. “You do feel left out of a club,” she says. “And unfortunately, science keeps telling you, ‘Ooh, you really should have been a part of that club.’”A former journalist, Joanna keeps up with breastfeeding research, and she says that each new article detailing newfound benefits of breastfeeding is important. “The news stories are valuable,” she says. “But there needs to be more of a general discussion of, if you can do it, you should; if you can’t, don’t beat yourself up about it.”

Joanna understands that many women have breastfeeding struggles but will succeed, and they need that push to keep going. But at a certain point, the women who have physical limitations will suffer from that message.

“It becomes a battle where you feel like you’re surrendering and giving up,” she says. “It sets up a level of personal and societal expectations that can make you feel crazy.”

Joanna now knows that parenting doesn’t begin and end with breastfeeding.

“It seems like these are the huge parenting decisions you have to make, but later you realize you’re doing more than keeping them alive, you’re shaping them into responsible, thoughtful people,” she says. “There’s more to being a parent than what you feed your kid.”