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Searching For The Truth About Breastfeeding

Just Plain Bad

©iStockphoto.com/snapphoto

by Heidi Green
November 15, 2007

More than two-thirds of mothers don’t love their babies. More than two-thirds of mothers are just plain bad.

That’s what you might conclude if you spent any time in some of the more popular online parenting forums. Parents who post about breastfeeding on the boards seem to agree: Mothers who love their babies exclusively breastfeed them. Mothers who don’t breastfeed are bad.

Yet according to recently released data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), two-thirds of mothers are not breastfeeding their 3-month-old babies.

It is true: Breastfeeding has been fantastic for me and my babies. It has improved their health and mine, in all of the important ways you read about. I am thrilled every time I hear about another benefit of breastfeeding, including lower risks of allergies, diabetes, obesity, and so much more. I am glad to be providing them with the absolute best nutrition available. And I am ecstatic that my breastfeeding babies miss out on the colds and infections of the winter season (even as their father and I are sniffling and coughing).

But the health benefits of the milk itself are not the only reasons why I have chosen to breastfeed my babies. I do it for what I can only think to call the “parenting benefits,” too. I enjoy the personal satisfaction I get from nourishing healthy, happy babies from my body. Plus, I am the first to admit that I can be a type-A person living a somewhat hectic life. Breastfeeding ensures that I take time to focus on the littlest, least vocal member of our family. In that way, those breastfeeding breaks are as important to me as they are to baby. (And no, my husband isn’t being deprived of “his” time with the baby. I asked him.) And what a valuable tool breastfeeding can be during those rough vaccination-heavy doctor visits! I don’t know who it calms more—the baby or me.

We all know the other benefits of breastfeeding: the cost savings, the convenience. I have been known to wonder aloud: “I don’t know why any woman would choose not to breastfeed her baby.”

Honestly, I still don’t know.

But what I do know is that breastfeeding is a poor indicator for a mother’s love.

Formula-feeding is not a sign of a bad mother. (Nor is breastfeeding necessarily a sign of a good mother.)

Breastfeeders, formula-feeders, listen up: We’re all mothers here. It’s time to stop the in-fighting and put a rest to the name-calling and mother-hating.

I can think of several women I know who didn’t breastfeed their babies at all. I can think of even more who just didn’t manage to breastfeed their babies as much as they had originally planned. All of these mothers love their babies very much, as much as I love mine.

Let’s do all we can to support the mothers we know to breastfeed their babies. After all, we all know that breastfeeding is best. Even the mothers who choose not to breastfeed know that breastfeeding is best. So let’s not crucify those mothers if breastfeeding doesn’t work out for them. Let’s understand that the decision about what and how to feed one’s child is an intensely personal one. Let’s respect that.

Heidi Green has been researching and writing about women’s and children health since she moved to Pittsburgh more than 10 years ago. She is also a children’s book reviewer in her spare time. She is mom to Ben, Katie, Sam, and Max.

http://sweatingthroughfog.blogspot.com/ Sweating Through Fog

“The decision about what and how to feed one’s child is an intensely personal one. Let’s respect that.”

in my case, I respect the fact that it is a often a personal choice not just for one person but two: mom and dad. As a father, I took great pleasure in feeding my children, an experience I wrote abut here. I think I would have missed out if my wife breastfed.
Heidi Green

I’m thrilled that you enjoy such a close relationship with your daughter. The lessons you mention learning are important ones that all parents should learn.

Now, I don’t believe that these lessons are attached to the act of feeding the baby.

But it seems worth noting here that breastfeeding and dads-feeding-babies are not mutually exclusive. Of course dads can’t breastfeed, but they can bottle-feed the mother’s milk. Some women hand-express or pump their milk specifically so their partners can feed the babies. Some dads feed their babies after their partners return to work and the babies need to be bottle-fed in mom’s absence.

My favorite option for how parents can balance the responsibility for feeding their babies was explained by a leading pediatrician. He suggested that parents view feeding during the first 6 months (the time of exclusive breastfeeding) as being primarily the mothers’ responsibility and the start of solids as being primarily the fathers’.

There are lots of other ways dads — and moms — can experience closeness with their babies in the meantime.
http://sweatingthroughfog.blogspot.com/ Sweating Through Fog

I agree. As you point out there are lots of other ways to get close – depends on the fathers involved. I’m probably unusual.

And it’s nice to know that breastfeeding isn’t necessarily an either/or thing, or a mom vs. dad thing. since there seem to be some important benefits from it.
Abigail Leese

My husband is very supportive of my breastfeeding and often seems to “glow” when watching me feed our 18 month old son. However, my son IS incredibly attached to me and doesn’t seem to want anything at all from my husband except a bit of rough and tough play time and boat and car rides…he also like to work around the house with the tools. But, when it comes to sleeping, feeding and general comforting it’s all mamma. I’m sure that I also have played a big part of this since I’ve always just felt that I understood our little guy without even any apparent communication…breastfeeding and attachment parenting 24 hours a day, together with that motherly instinct that I believe so much in, just seems to leave out pappa’ sometimes. On the other hand, every family is different but, for me, the above-described relationship is kind of a work of nature. I don’t insinuate that there isn’t room for adaptation but, generally, I think that young children are meant to be attached to their mother for survival purposes and protection and that the “Man” will teach him the ways of the world. For the record, my husband is a very committed diaper changer! No disrespect intended…just respect.
Jean

Women have long expressed their desire for equality and yet they would not give that to their own husbands. They would relegate men to a secondary role with their babies?? Children should be every bit as attached to their father as their mother. I know a lot of good fathers who so enjoy that bond with their baby. I’m not saying you shouldn’t breast-feed, but quit being so selfish. Is the “mother-child exclusive bond” for the child’s benefit? or is it for yours? I would never have thought to take that special bond away from my husband.
Heidi Green

Hi, Jean – Thanks for joining in the discussion!

I admit I don’t quite know what you mean by “quit being so selfish.” Breastfeeding doesn’t seem like a “selfish” act to me. It can be relaxing, pleasant, tedious, boring, time-consuming, fun, exhausting (in many ways, it is as situation-dependent as any other mealtime) … but it is, from a health perspective, the natural and healthy way to feed a child. That is the number one reason that many parents I know (moms and dads alike) want their children to breastfeed. Out of concern for their children’s health.

Biologically, I don’t know why females develop lactating breasts and males don’t. But I think that as long as both parents accept this as a biological fact rather than a sociological issue (i.e., an issue of equality) then no father should feel “relegated to a secondary role” with our children. There are lots of other opportunities for dads to bond with their children. Equality does not mean sameness; for ex., many couples share their household responsibilities equally without both doing all of the tasks.

At the same time, as I noted in my comment above, many parents choose for mom to take the lead with breastfeeding and dad to take the lead with starting solid foods. I think that is an excellent balance. Also, some couples choose for mom to pump her milk sometimes so dad can give bottles that way. If that works for a family, I say “hear, hear.” At least baby is getting the mother’s custom-made milk, with its lovely nutrients and immunological properties to boot.

I have breastfed all three of our children, yet my husband has formed strong bonds with each of them. Just ask Sam, our 15-month-old, whose most frequent utterance these days seems to be his dad’s name and whose favorite activity seems to be following his dad around!
Mary Ryngaert

My kids were all breastfed. My husband quickly understood the many gender-neutral aspects of parenting after our first child was born. He bathed her, changed her, took naps with her, and played with her. In fact, she was more likely to “play” with him (gurgling, kicking, smiling) than with me. When I was around, she looked to nurse. Their bond is incredible, largely due to their similar temperament, but also to the fact that he just took time to get to know her.

When our son was born two and half years later, he used to joke that I had my baby and he had his. Our son was far more attached to me than our first had been, and didn’t wean until much later (and even then under protest!). “Just wait,” I told my husband, “Boys need their moms, but after the age of three, it’s all about Dad.” And so it was. The boy is 15 now. He loves me and knows I love him, but his Dad is the one he turns to most of the time. He’s his buddy, his role model, and his hero.

Our third is a daughter, who was our “icing on the cake” baby. I confess we never even thought about who was getting the most quality time with her, because we were just too doggone busy by then!
http://www.babygooroo.com Candy Thick

I think we all agree the main focus should be the children. I’m afraid the focus has been on the dad’s having their share of time feeding the baby. I don’t understand how it’s gotten to be where they focus just on the feeding time. I would think that if is it’s really important to the parents that their child gets the best, they could come to an agreement on sharing time rather then having something like breastfeeding become such an area of dissention. Feeding is only a small part in the whole realm of being a parent. If they want to make sure they have their turn in feeding, by golly, they ought to make sure they have their turn changing diapers, bathing, cleaning up the vomit, staying up at night while the child is awake, etc…..